Tuesday 1 December 2009

Tips to to avoid being a Christmas Box idiot

Written for the South African Chapter of the Limit Christmas Boxes To Those You Know Foundation.

Be warned, it's that time of year when the contemptible aim to take full advantage of one's generosity....

Now, there are a certain number of indignities in December that dwellers down South have no choice but to put up with: for starters, a fair amount of Christmas' symbolism is lost when one's in the wrong season; White Christmases are simply lost in translation during hot Summer nights. There's nothing one can do about this... except cynically hope that climate change is more far-reaching than predicted. Similarly, it's counter-productive to be upset about the paradoxes embodied in partially-costumed Santas popping up at the roadside; garbage bags in tow. One's grumbling won't prevent them plying you for rubbish and cash, next year.

Fortunately, one indignity is avoidable if SAffers unite to combat those opportunists-in-uniform who genuflect to complete strangers for undeserved Christmas Boxes, year after year. To help you combat this scourge, here are some choices to combat the evils of Xmas Doose:

Take advantage of reincarnation
"Christmas box? But I'm a Buddhist. In dreams, Buddha told me I should only give Christmas boxes in my next life." Feel free to substitute Buddha with any other deity related to re-incarnation.

Join the Cashless Society
Carry a spare, empty wallet for occasions just like this. Open it in front of the supplicant, saying; "I'm afraid I'm a member of the Cashless Society. Do you take credit cards or mobile phone payments for your Christmas box?" If the answer's yes, I regret I can offer no refunds!

Learn a foreign language
If you know a foreign language, speak only that to the erring supplicant. Hopefully, it's not his third or fourth language.

Bigotry is everywhere
This one requires a high-degree of bloody-mindedness and indignation. Shout angrily; "Everywhere I go, I'm asked for a Christmas box. Do people think that because I'm , that I'm made of money? That cash grows on trees in my backyard? That silver and gold coins fly out of my microwave? I'm gatvol of being asked this by bigots. So, are you a bigot?"

If there's a danger of this becoming a rational, two-way conversation, simply go berzerk, launch into a nonsensical rant about political corruption, communist-para-statal-failure, a culture of entitlement, etc... Then visit your shrink to deal with the pent-up anger that years of unsolicited, unwarranted Christmas box requests have led to.

Pack a few empty Christmas boxes
This one takes the most preparation... wrap an empty shoe box with Christmas paper. Carry it around for handing to the undeserving supplicant. If it's opened before you, with shock that it's empty, say: "But you asked for a Christmas box. And that's just what you've got. It's not right to look a gift horse in the mouth, bru."

Or simply try the fail-safe
"I only give charity to the unemployed."

Thanks for joining me in only supporting deserving charity this Christmas; leave the silly season to fools.

Amen to that,

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